Barrett Jackson auctions are a great scene for all those afflicted with OCD (Obsessive Car Disorder). There is an abundance of yelling, fast talking and a great variety of vehicles. At the beginning of the petrol and Grey Goose filled week that Barrett Jackson brings to Scottsdale, we perused the hot sheets of Craigslist to […]
Category: Ramblings
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Lost Lamborghinis
Tell me, what was the first car Lamborghini made, the one made out of resent for Ferrari? Did you say the Miura? If you did, you’d be wrong. It was actually a grand tourer called the 350 GT that arrived in 1964 first, a full two years before the Miura. If you have never heard […]
Autography: The Rise and Fall of the AMC Empire Part 1
For every garage-startup success story there are about six million failures. Not everyone can be walking about in jeans and black turtlenecks, changing the world, only to die and have their company turn into a corporate machine churning out product after product with minimal increases in technology (and the systematic destruction of older tech). But, […]
First Impression: 1989 Porsche 911 Carrera 4
Just walking up to it, this 1989 Porsche 911 Carrera 4 looks like any other of the countless 911s I’ve seen and had as my wallpaper background on my computer. As much as I’ve been an apostle of the gospel of the 911, I’ve never driven one. I’ve never taken a sip of that air-cooled […]
What Makes a Car “Exotic”?
Recently, a few of the Burbbble authors got into a debate over the definition of a word. It all started with an online article where the author referred to an Aston Martin V8 Vantage as an exotic car. They realized that there isn’t a strong definition for the word “exotic.” So they tried to find […]
All Mid-Engine Cars Are Stupid
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The cars we all lust after, these mid-engined sculptures of straight-line speed and blistering cornering abilities, they captivate us. Cars like the Murcielago, Enzo, Zonda, NSX, and P1 are the hyper-halo-cars we all claim we would drive daily if we had the available funds to do so. Even the more humble and otherwise uninspiring attempts at proper weight distribution have become cars of envy, like the Porsche 914 and Toyota MR2. But there is something wrong with these cars. The exact thing that makes them all so distinctive: their mid-engined layout. You see, all mid-engined cars are stupid.
Of course, what I mean is all road-going mid-engined cars are stupid. Race cars have a reason to be mid-engined. Bud there is no point to road going mid-engined cars. No one, on any public road in any car, will ever be going fast enough that they need to be driving a car that necessitates the superior balance of mid-enginedness.
When you do see a person driving a mid-engined car, they look ridiculous. The design of the mid-engine layout exists purely to put the heaviest part of a car toward the center so weight is distributed evenly. It is more balanced. The math checks out on that, but the idea is unrealistic for our heavily governed roads. It is ideal for track use, for race cars. Again, no one will ever reach speeds on public roads that would necessitate ‘ideal weight distribution’ and anyone who does reach those speeds is far too dim-witted to be capable of handling the unpredictable nuances of a mid-engined car. They will crash. And the video will be on YouTube with a title IN ALL CAPS WITH FOUR EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!! (LOSER REKS BRAND NEW FERRARI!1!!)
This will be you
Don’t misunderstand, a mid-engined layout is more balanced. But when control is lost in a mid-engined car, regaining control is hopeless. The higher threshold of balance creates a more untameable beast when unleashed.
So mid-engined cars end up being a tool for tools to pose in, the basis for an argument supported entirely by incomprehensible numbers pulled off an online review, a pretty picture reposted on shallow motivational Instagram accounts.
In reality, they are silly looking and impractical. Practicality and sensibility were sacrificed on the altar of the god of speed. But as you can see, this God is merciless and will only bring you shame.
The only reasonable sports car is one with the engine at the front and driven wheels at the back. Many of them (except you, Audi) have the engines mounted behind the front axle anyway, so most of the desired balance is retained, but the driver doesn’t have to sacrifice his dignity, or his luggage space. And that’s the way it should be.
The best cars have their engines in the front. These are the Grand Tourers and the Sport Coupes. Aston Martin DB9, Ferrari 550 or 365 Daytona, Mercedes CL600, BMW Z4M Coupe, Porsche 928 or 944. These are a gentleman’s car. And they are not stupid.
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Porsche Posses
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Living in today’s world means enduring a constant storm of vocal opinions and ridged viewpoints. So naturally we crowd under branded umbrellas with people that have similar appreciations. However, once you are safely shaded with all your like-minded friends, you’ll find you are still a part of a diverse group. Even though we may all be huddled under the same shelter, little posses form within the mob. Let’s take a look at some Porsche posses.
If Porsche culture were a Snickers bar, the air-cooled faction would be the peanuts. The liquid-cooled cars far out number the air-cooled at this point, but without the fan clad bunch, the whole culture wouldn’t be the same. These happy geezers are generally very accepting and will wave at anyone with a Porsche. They were raised watching the old cars race and probably still own their first 911. No mods, no stereos just wax and oil. They have often owned a number of different front or mid mounted Porsches but always revert to classic 911s.
More recently a new crop of #aircoolednuts have sprouted. The number of younger, #trendy enthusiasts seems to be growing more rapidly than Magnus Walker can get another post on Instagram. Will these new followers still love the air-cooled 911 when they are too pudgy to fit into their skinny jeans and all the boutique coffee shops have closed due to market saturation? Only time will tell.
Next to them are the Porsche fanboys. These people love everything Porsche. They praise the obviously terrifying Panamera Hybrid’s build quality and technological advancements. So blind is their loyalty that they will even find a reason to admire a Tiptronic 996 Cabriolet – “Feel how smooth it shifts and look how convenient these gear selection buttons are.” To them, Porsche is completely faultless. You may even see them with a Porsche timepiece. These guys are the most likely to own modern Porsches. They may have a Cayenne tow car, Boxster Sunday driver and a 997 daily and will also wave at most everyone.
There are some Porsche enthusiasts that can’t justify the swollen price of peanuts and seek out special pieces of caramel and nougat. Most prominent are the 928/944 enthusiasts. Many of these guys like to “build” their cars. Modifications range from aftermarket wheels to forced induction. When asked about their opinion on the 911 they usually respond with “Dude I’ve smoked so many of those things” or “Yeah I drove one of those once, wasn’t super impressed.” Now you will find purists that live in this group or Porsche enthusiasts that are new in their walk so they haven’t made the jump to a 911 yet, but the most prevalent ingredient here are tuners. Who could blame them? The 944 and 928 are wonderful platforms. These guys generally will only wave to other front engine guys, if at all.
Cayman owners have typically had a few other Porsches and wanted something a little modern but didn’t want the size or weight of a liquid-cooled 911. Many of the Cayman’s owners out there aren’t really Porsche enthusiasts, more style/status/Instagram enthusiasts. But the ones who are Porsche enthusiasts love driving and wouldn’t give their car up for anything short of a GT3. These guys are too busy working their wheel to wave.
Then there are Boxster/914 owners. Unless they are owned by the previously mentioned fanatics, this group sits in the background just happy to be in the wrapper at all. They truly are the black sheep of the group, the partially hydrogenated soybean oil. They will wave at anyone who waves at them but they don’t expect anyone to acknowledge them.
Sprinkled through this constantly growing group are different kinds of enthusiasts. Each with their own flare like RWB and the aforementioned Magnus Walker who throw convention out the roll-down window and do what they love. 914 modders who stick 993 and turbo engines in the back of featherweight targas and the supercar owners that get to live millions of people’s dreams on the daily. It is a very diverse group but we all chose to stand together because we have a great appreciation for the engineering, design and care taken by a forward thinking family, Porsche.
PS if you LS/350 swapped any Porsche you are the allergy information of the candy bar. You are the saturated fat, the high fructose corn syrup and all the other poisons that unfortunately tarnish something great. You are a twinkie, so please stick with your soft, fat Camaros.
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Old Top Gear Trio Confuses Emulation With Innovation
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We love Top Gear at Burbbble. That is to say, we loved Top Gear at Burbbble. Watching any other attempt at the same genre was a bit like watching the 4th quarter of a preseason NFL game. You can tell the people participating are really trying, but it’s still really terrible to watch.
If there was a Mount Rushmore for petrolheads, it would deservedly have Clarkson, May and Hammond’s mugs on it. They are the best. Now that I’ve constructed that monument, let me throw some C4 at the mountain. The Daily Mail reported recently that Clarkson has been struggling intensely with the naming process for their new motoring show.
“When I first signed up with Amazon Prime to make a new motoring show I knew all sorts of problems lay ahead. There was one problem, however, that I hadn’t even considered. And it has turned out to be the biggest of the lot: Choosing a name.” – Jeremy Clarkson
Upon reading this, I started to think that all those episodes of #ProperTopGear where Clarkson and May pitch really bad ideas to advertising agencies and councils wasn’t acting. Yes Jeremy, you will struggle to name a motoring show if the box you are currently confined in includes uninspired suggestions such as “Autonation”. Maybe after similes and hyperbole there exists a void in the threesome’s creative chest of spanners?
DriveTribe will serve as a one-stop-shop location for the conversations us enthusiasts are already having on other websites.
Evidence of this void became more apparent as Variety reported a new motoring site would be launched this fall and financed in part by celebrity-trio Hamayson. The new website will be called DriveTribe and I’m guessing that Clarkson’s anxiety regarding their new show’s name will only be amplified by the awful branding of their new website. DriveTribe will serve as a one-stop-shop location for the conversations us enthusiasts are already having on other websites. For example, technical discussions can be found on any number of marque or model related forums. Videos are shared on youtube, Facebook, Vine, and many many other media sharing sites. Comedy can be found on twitter and serious reviews / news already have all the existing magazines and blogs. In the Variety exclusive, Hammond said: “There’s no grand-scale online motoring community where people can meet and share video, comments, information and opinion. DriveTribe will change that And then some.” I’m guessing the trio has never heard of Car Throttle or possibly think that all the Car Throttle concept needs is millions of dollars and a crappier name.
I don’t want to be labeled. I don’t consider myself part of a tribe nor do I want to be stereotyped as such.
Maybe the dynamite I’m throwing at Petrolhead Rushmore is a little harsh. After all, we use and enjoy products/services that have bad names every day. Craigslist comes to mind. Who the hell is Craig?! Starbucks. What does that even mean? Some sort of space currency? However, the concept behind the name presents an issue for the generation of users Hamayson hope to attract. I don’t want to be labeled. I don’t consider myself part of a tribe nor do I want to be stereotyped as such. Sure, I like air cooled VW buses at the beach…who doesn’t? Is that all I want to talk about? No. I can hear the DriveTribe investors saying “It is not a label or stereotype, it is just a another name for a group or community”. Fine, if I will be able to add many different “tribes” and get updates from all the different tribe contributors and tribe chiefs… how is this really different than all the other automotive related feeds that I check every day?
Is it possible these guys are getting a little out of touch? It’s a bit like saying, “So the MG owners club meets in a parking lot every Saturday…I know! Let’s use this internet thing to let them talk to each other every day!” No, they could not have been so daft to think the internet needs another comment form. Maybe they’ve been watching too much Game of Thrones? Is a tribe like a house? Will we be able to battle other tribes on DriveTribe for the petrolhead throne?? Shoot, I was wrong, it’s a brilliant idea. I will proudly fight for House Maserati.
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Everything Wrong with the 944
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Last summer, a 1987 Porsche 944 came under my care. Now, 1980s Porsches are solidly built; you can hear the sturdiness in the way the door clunks shut. But it’s still nearly 30 years old, so just a few things on it need of maintenance. Just a few. Here is everything that needs fixing on the 1987 Porsche 944.
- Odometer is stuck at a pretty low mile for model year 91k
- Gear linkage is wonky and needs replacement
- A rubber bumper on the front needs to be remounted to be flush with the bumper
- Electronically sunroof won’t open
- May or may not be oil leaking from somewhere
- Driver door window rattles alarmingly when the door is shut
- Passenger door hinge creaks when open or closed
- A faded paint spot on the roof needs to be fixed
- Rear hatch release doesn’t function
- Rear wiper flails wildly, if at all
- Power adjustable mirrors won’t operate, just droop lower and lower
- Front badge is loose and might fall off
- Headlights blind oncoming traffic, need adjustment
- Late 90s updated radio needs to be updated again
- Rear view mirror is ready to fall off
- Tires are nearly bald, need replacing
- Wheels and steering need alignment
Plus all the other routine maintenance that needs to be checked and done at some point: belts, water pump, clutch, fluids, air filter, etc. None of this stuff is what you would call pressing mechanical issues, but it would be nice to see them fixed. Some people may say that all these issues outweigh the value of owning the car, and they’re probably right. But where is the fun in that?
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Am I The Only One Not In Love With RWB?
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Am I the only one that isn’t in love with Rauh-Welt Begriff 911’s? After studying these cars for a while I gained deep, deep, deep respect for Akira Nakai-san and his masterful craftsmanship, but I’m not sure I am on board with the full-fledged cartoonization of an automotive icon. The longer I look at RWB-tuned Porsche’s, the more I think I need to be named Bit Cloud or Spike Spiegel to pilot one. It isn’t necessarily because of the wide body but more because of the multiple builds that called for tri-deck rear spoilers… I haven’t seen anything that useless since Hulk Hogan’s right to privacy. I’m all for adding lots of hot sauce to my chalupa because it adds to the flavor, brother. These ridiculous spoilers are not a Cholula soaked chalupa. It’s just a normal chalupa wrapped in hundred dollar bills. Much like the Suburban Commando himself, very expensive and not any better.
There are clear reasons for making a 911 wider.
Reason One, humps. Those humps, those humps, those humps.
Reason B, 911’s are very sure footed from the factory, especially when the driver gets used to managing the unique weight of the car. Now make that footprint 12 or more inches wider and let Akira guru the suspension. Physics will no longer own you, it will become your lapdog. Unfortunately, the trade off is what was once a subtle, elegant road car is left looking like RSR cosplay. Everyone has their thing, I’m just not sold on this thing.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am genuinely happy these cars exist and that people like them. Part of me even gets the appeal. Giant hips, huge rear wing, loud burbbbly noises. How can someone truly hate something like that. I’ve found that RWB cars have the same youthful charm as Lamborghinis. They are beloved childhood toys you can actually drive! Where in a Aventador you get to pilot a stealth fighter, a RWB you get to drive a favorite Hot Wheels car. Akira Nakai-san has brought a different spice to a community that is generally pretty old and dry and I commend that. I still couldn’t imagine putting a hacksaw to my 911 but I can see how some crazy rich guys could…I guess.
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Too Small is Just Right
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When I bought my MINI Cooper S, I was a strapping young twenty-year-old college student/car enthusiast. I was moving off campus in the Fall and would therefore need a car to get around. I wanted the most fun and interesting car I could get, but there was a catch: my parents were helping me buy my first car. And by “helping” I obviously mean in exchange for the full price of the car, I would be supplying an I-O-U napkin with CAR written on it ala Dumb and Dumber. Since my napkin didn’t hold much actual monetary value, concerned-parent requirements were imposed. Safe, reliable, no convertible, no rear-wheel-drive.
Those constraints ruled out a lot of my favorable options. Minnesota is terrible to cars in the winter, so I played ball. I couldn’t get a Miata, no cheap Porsche, nor a funky old Volkswagen or ancient Saab.
As the interesting options fell away and my boy-racer dreams were slowly being crushed, I was left with one fun option: economic-derived hot hatches. Safe and practical, yet deceptively sporty. I looked at GTIs, Mazdaspeed3s, and WRXs. Speed3s were a tad too expensive and were prone to horrible rust; WRXs were too molested; I was too picky finding a GTI (Tartan seats on United Gray paint was a must). But then I stumbled across some MINIs and found that they were cheap and abundant. I was sold. They were fast, fun, safe, reliable, cool little carts that could be practical enough if I folded down the back seats and lied about their existence when people asked for rides.
My search eventually led to a 2006 MINI Cooper S in decent condition. I was smitten with this car that most people dismissed as too impractical and scary small. All the while I zipped around city traffic, darting between cars and drawing angry car horns. I owned it for two years, addicted to the whine of the supercharger, winding it up whenever I had an excuse, or for no reason at all. When I lifted off the accelerator pedal, the dudes from the Rice Krispy box danced in my exhaust: Snap, Crackle, Pop! “Why does it keep making that popping sound from the exhaust?” my passengers would often ask. “Because it sounds awesome,” I would reply.
I took Elizabeth camping at Road America two years in a row
As an auto enthusiast, the MINI was an excellent first car to own. It performed all the normal-car duties demanded of it, but in a style only the MINI could pull off. I’m not one of those nutty people who names their cars and gives them personalities, but I affectionately called her Elizabeth.
I took Elizabeth camping at Road America two years in a row, managing to pack a tent, sleeping bag, chair, coolers, and a fire pit into the back with the seats folded down (as my friends in their Porsche coupes had little room save for carefully stacked wood they had in the back, got to have even weight distribution, am I right?). That much handy equipment hadn’t been in something that British since Julie Andrews wrangled a few naughty children with only what she had in her deceptively roomy hand bag. If anyone ever said this car was too small to be practical, I can happily prove them wrong with pictures of a full armchair snuggled in the back. And the car was just special enough for me to be seen as a committed car-nut among other expensive and rare cars that were there that weekend. My MINI and I were accepted.
One of my favorite memories from my time with Elizabeth was one bright Sunday afternoon in early spring. I was going for a drive with my human girlfriend and I decided to drop by the local Jaguar, Audi and Porsche dealerships. I came to the end of the row of brand new F-Types and turned the corner to go down the next row. At that same moment, another MINI Cooper came around the end of another row. We both stopped and faced each other. In the opposite car sat a guy about my age and his girlfriend. All four of us burst into laughter at the sight of our doppelgangers. We continued on, passing each other row after row as we explored the neat cars the dealerships had on display. To this day I still wish I had gotten out and greeted my twin. We could have been very special friends.
All four of us burst into laughter at the sight of our doppelgangers
I ended up selling Elizabeth after I graduated from college. It wasn’t her, it was me. I wanted to trade up to something a little less reliable, a lot less new, a little more sporty and a bit more fun: a Porsche 944. But that doesn’t mean I was happy to see my MINI go. I still miss her frequently. I get excited each time I pass a MINI on the streets, trying to catch the eye of the driver to convey that I too had once owned a MINI, that I was a part of their club. Maybe someday I’ll own another MINI, but I’ll forever be a MINI-evangelist.
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Auto-aholic
Common wisdom says Millennials don’t understand the car. They prefer their fixie bikes, public transportation, or even walking. They don’t see the point in owning a car. They don’t know the convenience of hopping in the driver’s seat whenever they want and going wherever they want the moment they feel the desire. This idea has […]
5 Cars in my 5 Year Plan
8 Recently I interviewed for a dreary grown-up job because expressing opinions on the internet apparently doesn’t produce enough bacon. So as I sat in a sad fluorescent lit room, overwhelmed by the scent of dry-erase and a man wearing grotesque amounts of aftershave, I prepared for the barrage of questions that I had no […]
Italian Epiphanies
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Ever since I became a true car enthusiast, I have never liked Lamborghinis. The main reason for this was that they seemed too outlandish for their own good, too in-your-face and obnoxious. If someone had the money and were determined to spend it on a car, why wouldn’t they just buy a Ferrari?
Then one day my eyes were opened to realized that a modern Ferrari wasn’t any different than a modern Lambo. Sure, they handle their individual lunacy in their own ways but when you boil it all down, how different are they really? They both have stupid gimmicks: Ferrari’s F1 style steering wheel and Lamborghini’s Top Gun starter button. They both put up stunning numbers and, personally, I would be embarrassed to get out of either car in a crowded area. An Aventador looks ridiculous, no question, but is a 458 or an F12 really that much more subtle? To my eyes they are both just crazy shapes with radical details.
So now that my preconceived notions have been shattered, how do I approach forming my new opinions on these raging bulls and prancing horses? Judging them by the people who buy them doesn’t help much because they have become the same people (for the most part). They are overly wealthy people looking to make a statement. If there is a difference, and Im not certain there is one, it would be that Lamborghinis appeal to the inner child while the Ferrari holds a certain prestige that sings to rich boys masquerading as men. If I just look at the cars from a design prospective picking the prettiest of both breeds, the 458 and Aventador, It is still very hard to choose because their personalities are so different, I will try to explain.
The hard angles and jagged edges of the Aventador give away its intentions. This is not built for commuting on the 405. No, its a war machine. Its sharp nose splits the air in front of it to blow all obstacles off the road and let them all burn in the fire of its wake. The car may look like a stealth fighter, but because of that there is no way you could miss it. It is exciting, violent and completely unnecessary. If it were British built it would be named The Jason Statham.
The Ferrari 458 is a slightly different creature. The goal of the 458 is to give its clientele the illusion of being Michael Schumacher, instead of something as childish as playing Han Solo in your little fantasy world. Derived from science, designed by craftsmen, and built to be a stand-alone thoroughbred, it is shaped not to light the atmosphere on fire but to glide through it while barely causing a ripple. Every gentle curve has a purpose, to make you faster, to make you better. And if you manage to break this steed, few will be able to keep up with you. It is elegant, thrilling and unapologetically pompous. If it were built in America it would be called a Kardashian 90210.
So for me, if I had a few extra hundred thousand bills in my mattress, I would struggle to pick between the Statham and the 90210. To be honest, it would be pretty amusing to walk up to an Aventador and call it my own (a Christmas-like wonder accompanies the thought) and there are few things that would be more rewarding than destroying physics on a canyon road in a 458. But if it came down to it, if a briefcase filled with cash was chained to my wrist and I had to chose a 200k+ car, I would laugh at both and go buy an Aston Martin Vanquish.
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The Definition of a Coupe
Not that long ago, Mercedes-Benz revealed a highly anticipated car, the Mercedes-AMG GT. It is a baby brother successor to the gullwing SLS-AMG and rival to sports cars like the Porsche 911 and Jaguar F-Type. Although the new car does not have the Mercedes trademark doors, I still have an inexpressible amount of desire for […]
(AWD) All Wrong Decisions
When it comes to sports cars, or super cars for that matter, I have always felt all-wheel-drive has been overrated in the public eye. If all wheel drive becomes the deciding factor whether someone buys a car or not, I would consider that person a fool. Too many people have bought into a more is […]